Saturday, September 5, 2009

Plugging In, Again: crumple, toss, next

The preliminary figures are in; our enrollments are up over ten percent, which puts us over 30,000 system-wide. Two weeks have gone by that I can't recall. Here seems to be a day:

8:30 arrive on Campus, pass College Democrats bulletin board on the way to office, pull down picture of Obama that looks like Heath Ledger as the Joker which has been hung by unknown idiot. Hmmmm, this one (in full color) seems to still be wet. High quality printer. Must be faculty. asshole.

8:30-10:00 answer endless emails. Sorry about your flat tire, get the notes, sorry about your grandmother there is a copy of your syllabus on Blackboard, get the notes, hmmm, free pizza this afternoon, jeez, how loud does psych prof have to scream in lecture...louder than crazy hippy-trippy philosophy dude, apparently; sorry about the loss of your last three days due to bipolar mood swing, get the notes; yes, its okay that there are 7 copies of your Discussion Board post, Blackboard does that, especially, when you click on it 7 times; yes, the deadline for Honors by Contract is September 18, yes, just like it says on the form, itself; training announcement: delete; training announcement: delete, WTF forward from fellow faculty whom I like. *snort*, a few more of those and I might make it through.

10:00-11:20 teach.....blah...blah...blah no, the pyramids were not built by aliens....blah...blah....blah..... no the pyramids were not built by aliens. blah...blah..blah

11:20-11:30 break...sorry to hear that you couldn't get parking for the last week and a half, get the notes....(need to get something to drink, need to pee) Yes, history dude, I did realize that they think the pyramids were built by aliens....shit....time to start again (need to get water, need to pee)

11:30-1:00 teach...which class is this?......blah....blah...blah

1:00...where was that free pizza?

1:00-1:01 pee (ahhh, thank god)

1:01-1:45 pester Academic Dean re:Honors Program....blah, blah, blah

1:45-2:00 panic about said Program

2:00-4:00 Honors Lounge: form updating, file processing....yes, honors student, Jim Morrison was God (note to self: NOT)....yes, Chair of English we are going to make it a goal that your Honors English Comp class will not, again, be cancelled in a record enrollment period with an enrollment of 4...here are my preliminary plans to get your class with its bitchy-ass professor to make: we are going to try the new innovative method of enrolling dead grandmothers and flat tires into all Honors classes. No, we are carefully screening to remove all students who face three day loses due to Bipolar disorder and ones who circle the parking lot for a week and a half looking for a space..Yes, I feel sure this will work, after all, the students assure me that the spirit of Jim Morrison is guiding the Honors Program as we move forward into a new blah....blah....blah....

4:00-4:01: Where was that free pizza? Need water.

4:01-6:00 Blackboard, grade, post, grade, post, grade, post....closing time...one last call for alcohol.......

6:00-6:01 remove still wet poster of Barack Obama as the Heath Ledger Joker from Democrats board......crumple, toss...next.

6 comments:

Tina said...

LMAO!!!! You forgot to mention that we do all of this for a generous $500 annual raise.

Pamthropologist said...

Was that a raise? I thought that was a one time contribution so that we could afford to purchase printers to more successfully make anti-Barack Obama propaganda?

Tina said...

Oh...I did not know that. I am sure I will get a "needs improvement" on that part of my IPP.

missivesfrommarx said...

How do you know that the aliens didn't build the pyramids? You weren't there. That sounds like another example of the extreme close-minded bias I've heard about in higher ed ...

Pamthropologist said...

HA! (she says, unzipping and removing her human suit) What you do not know is that I was there. For I am an alien. And I watched while those ridiculous humans built those ridiculous objects to venerate their ridiculous gods. We aliens would never be so stupid as to waste the time and energy on such a useless endeavour. We, merely, watch while you toil your way to your own doom. Thus, we cement our plans to control the universe in its entirety. So there.

Anonymous said...

Thank you dear colleague. My half-time faculty life twists in the wind, and my other two anthropology and English sessional jobs combine here in this blog, and I LAUGH!. Thank you for the joy of this blog. I will LAUGH, laugh now as I complete 6 more terms and get the hell OUT and grow strawberries, read books, write, fish and talk to brilliant, interesting and humourous trenchers like you, dear colleague. You effing ROCK!